the mess in my heart

|Wednesday, July 30, 2008

today's presentation went well...
finally i see some sunlight in all the thunderstorm.

Mr steven ng asked us several questions during our presentation that caught us by shock.
he said that my slides and Amanda's slides were contradicting..
after we replied some ans, it suddenly hit me, why it DOESNT contradict. And i explained it to him. BULLS EYE!. he didnt have anything to ask back.=)
*gives a pat on my back*

i absolutely love myself when my nuerons in my brains connect at very intense situations.
then i come up with an answer or solution which saves the day.
for that, i think i can say i'm quite quick witted! =D
cheers! =DD

Dance is..... i dunno.
Auditions are this sat, i feel so not mentally prepared. plus, i have psycho test in the late morning... mann...=(
yea, everyone is have gloomy days.
so if you feel that you've been having bad days, rest assured, you're not alone.

i believe i'm not the bad person because of something i did unintentionally.
but will people understand tt?
just disappointed... tts all.. =(

On the lighter note, i cant freakin wait for latin class this sunday!
we're gonna do the SAAAAAAMBA!
it's always been one of my favourites.
in fact, all 5 dances i like...
needa brush up on my footwork.

I think i've lost something...
i lost my sense of empathy.. somehow, i'm just not convinced by people's worries.
i feel, if i can do, i can force myself, why cant they?
but then, we all know, diff people have diff weaknesses.
i've lost my sense of empathy.
if found, pls return.
i really need it back.

FAOM test on monday!
arrgghhh..
gtg! bye bye!

the garden in my heart.messed.
6:39 AM

|Sunday, July 27, 2008

PART TWO : TPDE Dreams

I WANNA COMLPAIN!.

firstly, i must say, i take my hat off for production crew. i dunno how the hell they become better overnight. for that 3 days of stage run, every single bad word in my dictionary can be used on them. ALL are applicable.

i DONT UNDERSTAND. how you can be inproduction crew if you don have INITIATIVE?!? its like they are the ones who willl cover up for any mistakes on stage, in prompt to, on the spot, quick witted and TAKES INITIATIVE.

oh well, i guess you guys have to work harder.

it was your production.. HARLO?

but you screwed most of it.=/

sry

but ya..

its like if you all see how they argued with darren( helped us in gems3 concert) on how you CANNOT DO MANUAL for lightings and music, you just wanna poke their eyes out cos they obviously arent paying attention to the manual buttons infront of them.

i did lightings before also can? for my mum's chilcare concert! and i USED MANUAL...

HARLO?

KAN WO. even i know how to do!

2nd-ly, haiyo...

why did everything have to be so last minute.

like in my previous post, i said.. you do things last minute, YOU STRESS EVERYONE.

why torture ppl leh?

anywae, i swear if i ever get the chance to choreo, i'll NEVER do that.

i'll learn from JEAN. be the most effecient. the hougang hip hop nv had to stress soo much.

you guys must be thankful =)

lastly, if you start something end it.

i dunno la.. most probably becos tts my personality.

i don like to ban tu er fei...

poor juniors...

i have my upmost respect for them...

they've been hurt tooooo much because of this concert.

and yet, they are sooooo supportive and enthusiastic..

damn.

my heart goes out to you all.!

ill learn from you babies =)

enough with the complains...

I WANNA SAY THANKS.....

Most importantly, thanks you Rahim.

he's been through all the trouble just to get us this chance. =)

thanx joey and joyce for being with me and tolerating all my F words.. and for helping my look out on where i can improve, where i get covered by people and telling my i'm worthy of doing girls hip hop etc. and caring for me. =))

thanx serene. cos i know if i dont thank her i'll be featured in her blog. HAHA! no la.. serene is my invisible pillar of support. when i hug her i just wanna cry out and tell her how much pain i've been through=(

thanks ah lee for being very very patient with me and nv ever hesitating to help me in character. and also reminding me to exit on stage left. hehe....

thanks BEI BEI for being there.. its enough =)

thanx my beloved sis and dad for getting me the boots under such short notice..

thanks razzmy for not blaming me when i have other commitments and patiently reteach steps just for me. plus doing all the music. it was mixed very well!

thanx lorencia for saving our broadway item! without you. i think we would have died a very ugly death. hahaha...

thanx royston ad melissa for the continuos laughters you couple make...

thanx wei rong for lifting my 50 plus plus kg body.. heeee...

thanx MEI QI for being there. and for guiding everyone in the right direction.

thanx wanting for inspiring me to be a BGIRL!!

thanx nelson for listening to my complains.. and telling my awesomely lame jokes, and being strong, reminding me how i should stay strong too..

thanx PROPS ppl for thanking my pencil box to make that bus. haha.

thanx JUNIORS! ofr soo much support and encouragement... seeing you guys come to audi after sch everyday to support us warms my heart..

thank you those who came to support. IDIOTIC nicholas, vera, jade, yep lao shi, amanda ryan ziwei, nick goh, daryl. MELISE WANG( this girl NV misses a single performance joyce n i have!!).

thank you GIN, thank you RYAN.. i dunno wat we'd without you guys..

thanx to everyone especially kat, sam, iris, andreas, kaiwen, melissa, stephanie, junwei, didi, jean, ah fong, yuxin, xiang ying and everyone everyone... for going through this together with me.. without you all, its really really meaningless.

I LOVE TPDE!!!!!!!!!!!

more pictures to come soon =)

oh. and the video too. for you losers who felt you didnt have time for a dope concert. =x hahaha!

the garden in my heart.messed.
8:42 AM

|Saturday, July 26, 2008

HELLO!
ok.. i finally have the motivation to put my fingers on the key board.
I've been taking time off this two days.
for my body to recover and my mind to have peace.=)

DREAMS.
hmmm, what can i say?
it was... AWESOME!!
i really really didnt expect things to turn out tt way it did.
we were super last minute in everything, broadway was only finished choreo on FRIDAY it self.

Two days before the concert (wednesday) we had full stage runs and every thing was... CHUI.
i seriously mean it.
the modern pieces were horendously messy and cocked up, girls hip hop we redo formation, plus choreography was NOT DONE. boradway NOT DONE. reggae was messy. Everyone forgets steps. people were pissed.RYAN suggested we CALL IT OFF.

Thursday was tough. cos we had to prove to ryan we have the ability to carry on the show. it was also my 'COME-NEAR-ME-AND-I-KILL-YOU' day.. then situation was tensed. and all the choreographers were fighting for their dancers to rehearse their time. time was really messed up..haiz. i dunno what to say.

FRIDAY.it was the day...
RYAN came in and said we'll change our plot. KAIWEN's videos will all be scrapped off except the first one. That also meant that, we would now need an EMCEE. We accepted his idea, cos it made sense and so we went on with it. So in-prompt-to, we got the bimbotic two, razzmy and royston to be the EMCEES. and they came up with stupid things on the spot. like always.=D
12 30- 1 00 we FINISHED CHOREO for BROADWAY and headed into the audi for stage run. it was fine.. except for the part that loren was really firm. but i think she needed to do that.
around 2 plus we started our first full run of the day.. everything was quite okay.. i made MANY MANY mistakes...
at 5 plus we were suppose to do a second and last full run. however it dragged damn long... cos of PRODUCTION CREW. (i'll touch on tt later.) so finally we did our last.
i gave it all.. hoping, later would be the same...

6 plus we buzzed around with make up, put costume etc. And hence, the delay of the opening of doors. cos the PRODUCTION CREW insisted only when everyone is done, they'll open doors. ok.. so we hurried. and the doors were opened at 7.30. heh heh... pai sae..

BAckstage we watched the video showing streams of peopl flowing in, the long ques at the entrance.. my heart tubbed faster and faster. Somehow, the feeling was way different from gems3. I felt more scared. more unprepared.Are we gonna make it?

'Opening Item standby!" the stage manager shouted. We went out.. hugged each other real tight. i was so scared... =( curtains opened, the audi was filled with cheers and claps.. then a silent blanket fell upon everyone as they waited for something to happen. VIDEO VIDEO!!! DAMN? WHERE'S THE VIDEO? WHY NOT SHOWING??!?!?! SHIT?!?! thet stage manager said into his headset 'skip the video'. ANDREAS said 'NO!' and on the other side, rahim said 'NO'. jean said 'NO'. then... guess wat? the stage manager said.'NVM JUST SKIP'. wwwwwwwwttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! fcuk you!
luckily, they managed to control the stage manager and forced the video to be played. the audience were good, they cheered and were very patient. OMG. we clenched our fist. everyone was mummering. 'play play play play play play'. THEN IT CAME OUT. woooooooooooooo! thank god!.. the show began...

PHEW. really... hahaha...phew....

Chracter first. then done. walked into backstage and saw everyone cheering for ans clapping as we walked in, desperately gasping for air. i saw joey's smile, then a thumbs up. phew... =)

QUICK CHANGE TIME! after the2 modern peices was girl hip hop. we waited at the side of the stage. hugged on another. 'ITS TIME TO BURN THE STAGE' =D no one did any big mistakes or showed that they forgot steps.AMAZING! to think that the choreography was only finished on thursday.. PHEW!.. another sign of relieve. however, it was not all over yet. BORADWAY. oh mann....

i tried hard to stay calm, potray my chracter. be FIERCE, make the AUDIENCE afraid of the vicious women we were. be sexy. be confident. as i stood side stage, i told myself again, time to change mode. music on. and we went out... i've nv seen myself doing broad way cos we didnt have time to practice in the studio. i have NO IDEA how w'd look like on stage. i cant visualize. just do it... and finally when its all over. i really felt so much of my shoulders.. like once again, i just finished my O Levels... -.-

i have sooooooo much more to write. i wanna COMPLAIN. hahaha.. as i always do...
i'll do that in my next post! now, PICTURE TIME!!!!!!!!!

handsome didia and my lovely miao mao

meiqi me badd
the rich rascals
Mei qi TAN

raazmy TAN gin and TAN mei chin

opening item ppl.
ah lee, nel and me
my sexy reVogue team mates

(and we are going to melbourne.. like DUH)

ALL OF US!

the garden in my heart.messed.
11:34 PM

|Thursday, July 24, 2008

AARRGHHHHH.

sometimes i dont understand why things must be like that.

LAST MINUTE.

you stress yourself, stress your dancers, stress your incharge, stress gin, stress ryan, stress ppl making sound, stree production crew, stress other choreographers..and on and on and on...

why be so selfish?

and i'm pissed with myself too.
nothing seems to be goin in!
i felt feverish.
my nose kept running, my throat felt conjested.
my eyes were burning.

so many ppl tell me today i have to be more alert.
dannggg....
i also want!

i need rest!
i need sleep!
see.
if only we didnt do things so fcuking last minute.

i'm gonna sleep now.
don worry.
i'll be fresh tmr, and it;ll be a good show.
cos i'm all stored up with zest!

goodnite world ( and selfish ppls)
haha.
fcuk.

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:31 AM

|Monday, July 21, 2008

2 words...
WORN OUT.

4 days to DREAMS..
i dont know if we wil be able to put up a hyper engergetic show.

Yesterday was rocky.
alot of tired, stressed out and moody people.
not very good way to start full run rehearsals and time constrained stage markings...=(

I was pissed, then later i was brain-overloaded trying to remember all the stickers i should be at everytime we cnage position.
new position for girls hip hop=/
choreo NOT NOT DONE for broadway...
oh damnn...

i still owe my project groupmates this part of the FAOM which is due on FRIDAY!

i have tuition on wed and cant change even though i know it clashes with my CB REVISION LECTURE.
i have to give up either cb lecture, tuition or dance rehearal.
and so i've hosen the lecture.
fcuk.

blah blah blah..
i can continue ranting but it wont help.

bye.
you fast-pace world.

the garden in my heart.messed.
7:28 PM

|Friday, July 18, 2008

OMG! we are soooo doing this =DD

Labels: om

the garden in my heart.messed.
7:58 AM

|Thursday, July 17, 2008

PAN MEI CHEN had a conversation with me today and it went like this:

Happylin ???????? (??) : Fumo spirit!! says:
mei chin
Happylin ???????? (??) : Fumo spirit!! says:
wad makes u wan to carry on living
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
my family
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
period.
Happylin ???????? (??) : Fumo spirit!! says:
period?!
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
as in fullstop
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
HAHAHAHA
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
-.-
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
MY GOD
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
TTS DAMN FUNNY
MEI CHINNNNNNN says:
I GONNA BLOG IT!

i laughed like mad i tell you.. PAN MEI CHEN ahhhhh...

she's so loved by all of us =))

i suddenly felt my heart drop.

I miss my sis already!! arrgh.. she's so irritaingly funny.

Oh wells, i'll be alone again for the next yr or so?

and i have to get used to sleeping alone again...-.-

dannggggg. we were suppose to go watch movie with that coupon.

i didnt have time. =/

feel bad...

Different people have different priorities in life.

for me:

1. Family/ Friends

2. Studies

3. Dance

well, it doesnt mean that if the subject is not in the first priority of a person means it is not important to him/her. It IS IMPORTANT. the only thing is that the importance of each subject varies.. I heard from my friend that now her CCA WONT allow excuses such as i'm having a test tmr, can i leave ealier. DDANNG! i was like wth? thank god dance isnt like that. YES. we all want our cca to be good and training to be full attendence all the time. but like what i said, diff got diff priorities, and we should respect that. =)

My cousin and aunty from canada will be arriving at singapore TMR.

DIAO.

i'm sure i have no time for them.

siggghhhhh.

dreams concert getting nearer.

are we ready?

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:12 AM

|Sunday, July 13, 2008

i've been thinking...
if we win suntec dance, and we get to compete in melbourne,
I'LL BE ABLE TO HAVE LOADS OF SUPPORTERS!
my uncle, auntie, 4 cousins, cousins church friends( into dance too), SIS! my sis's frens, my auntie jenny and family, auntie alena?... auntie carol?
WOOOOOO...
so many rite?
have the stadium will be singaporean supporters DUDE!

ok. dont even know can get through auditions LA?!

todays' JIVE was funn-ER. hahhaa!
we did the link-'n'-whip, chicken walk( damn fun to do)
my blister broke..
-.- thank god only left skin... so wasnt painful.
but i think my feet looks damn ugly now.
it needs some mask.

dreams is in 1 weeks time?
and we haven even out everything together!!! =/
i dont kknow if i have the stamina or not..
all my three items are lumped together..
each item can be up to 6mins??
OMG.... pray i got enough strength.

i'm bored.
sick of projects..
bye!

the garden in my heart.messed.
8:29 AM

|Saturday, July 12, 2008

I LOVE SATURDAYS!

Rise up for dance in the morning,

lunch with my besties,

go home and accompany mum for foot massage (absolutely awesome after tedious dancing)

rest and slack for the rest of the night.

Today was frank's bday.
we celebrated at cafe cartel..
Gin paid for the cake. hmmm...
i think we should pay her back?

Suntec dance 2008.
winners get a chance to compete at the battlegrounds in MELBOURNE.
i'm selected to compete..
Gin put put me in the all girl's team...
girls hip hop... is it really my thing?
i dunno...
i'm having mixed emotions currently...
i happy that i got selected, but yet i'm unhappy.
do i really deserve this? i wasnt good enough for TBG. and suntec dance is like WOAH x 100.
=(
and, i really really feel sad. why must there be ppl who cant participate.
i know how it feels like. and it hurts. i can tell you that.

Yesterday, popo's fever went up to 39.
i told uncle to come drive her to the hospital.
So we went there, spend 5 hrs at the hospital, take blood samples, unrine test, x-ray...
we waited.. and waited.. till 12 plus.
then finally the results are out.
thank god. its not something very serious...
and so we decided to bring her home..
back home, she finally ate some stuff after much cajoling..

the main part is.. i took my clothes and towel, got ready to go bathe.
then i decided to sit at the living room where she was eating, just to wait for that sentence...
she looked at me, then pointed her finger to the toilet " go bathe la.."
that few words made me smile, with glee...
its a type of happiness i cant describe. like you wanna cry and smile at the sam time.
its like the 70% happy but 30% sad.
something like eating a awesome bar of choc and you're at its second last peice.
you enjoy it, yet feel sad cos you know its gonna be gone.

ppl out there complain about the old constantly nagging, being a pain in the ass..
there'll come a day where you want it but you wont hear it.
and i know wat i'm trying to say here will be useless to all.
i guess you wont understand until you go through it?
yep. who likes nagging seriously?
haha. i doubt so. just take it in.. thats all i'm saying.=)

i gonna go watch sweeney todd for the second time now.
GOODNITES.

the garden in my heart.messed.
8:15 AM

|Tuesday, July 08, 2008

"When You Wish Upon A Star"

When you wish upon a star,

Makes no difference who you are..

Anything your heart desires,

Will come to you...

If your heart is in your dreams,

No request is to extreme.

When you wish upon a star,

As dreamers do...

Fate is kind.

She brings to those who love...

As sweet fullfillment of their secret drowns,

Like a boat out of the blue,

Fate steps in and see's you through..

Moma when you wished upon a star,

Your dreams come true...

*sigh. if only things were as simple..

i wish, i wish....

the garden in my heart.messed.
10:47 AM

|Saturday, July 05, 2008

TODAYYYY
was dope.

Dance was cool..
i'm feeling so much motivated after the break.
things i gotta improve on: 1. HARDER hits
2. Bigger BIGGER movements
3. exaggerated expressions

i'm quite happy gin talked about me, and to me today...
she told me bout my 'defined' my style in girls hip hop. the type of sexy i have.
hahah! ok... so i do have a chance in girls hip hop.=) i'll work harder.
i've gotta really really exaggerate my expressions.. mann... gd luck.

results are out!
i've NEVER. EVER. done so well.
i'm impressed and shocked...
3As, and a stupid C for MBS. haha...
and i topped the class for FAOM. WOOOOO! 47/50.

but... just so you guys wanna know, i havent hit the criteria my mum set for me.
in order words,if she's really mean, she'll make me quit dance now.
i havent told them the good news yet.
cos i'm still waiting to see my CB results.
if i got like 2nd or wat can use it to make up for my C. and i wont have to quit dance. =)

CONCERT IS IN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!
i don feel anything yet.
strange.

i wanna do well for dance.
don wanna be covered by my awesomely PRO seniors...

oh. and i love my RHR.
i said LOVE. yea..
*shy...* goosebumbs.ee.
haha.

the garden in my heart.messed.
10:33 AM

|Thursday, July 03, 2008

I've been very with myself for the past few days...=)

it kinda feels nice.

like getting to know someone in me...

During psycho class today, i realised i have very little intrapersonal knowledge.

In other words, i do not know myself...

IDENTITY CRISIS!!

haha.. i'm cool about it.

i mean, who doesnt have rite...

AnyWAEE...

YESTERDAY....