the mess in my heart

|Saturday, September 27, 2008

where should i start?
city harvest performance?

tsk.

it was bad..

for me. i guess..

i shall keep the details for myself. that embarrassment is enough.

still, i'll share the memories=)

well......

COM base project is really starting to stress me out.

just one more week to go before they'l be sent to the stage just behind my house.

and off i'll be flyinggggggggggggggggggg to OSAKA.=D

i somehow feel its my fault their not getting it right.

well like you know they say it takes 2 hands to clap..

thanks frank, andreas for the advice yo.

i'll try it out asap.=)

i smell BBQ!!! from the neighbours i guess. =(

i wanna have BBQ toooo!

some random thoughts have ran through my mind recently..

well. some stuff are inappropriate. for here. haha. i'll keep it to myself.

as for the appropriate ones...

from joey's blog 'dance to express, not to impress'

true.

as much as i believe now.
once in awhile you gotta ask yourself why you dance.
and if you dance to impress,
i wouldnt say its wrong.
trying to impress is also a way of expressing yourself as being confident RIGHT?
hahaha...
cool stuff.

why i dance?
cos i like to dance. full stop.
no stuff bout passion or career or watever.
but just.. cos i like dance. =)

i super enjoyed myself at latin just now.

it was tough mann...

i think i probably have some hip and leg coordination to work on.

haha! plus i can feel my ankles aching. hhmm. good. train those ankles!

micheal asks me to tell all you guys out there who think latin is gay?

GO SEE TO HIM MANN.

yea. latin is not gay.

infact i think it really makes a man sexy. =) sexy is not gay. get it straight GUYS.

yall just coward to shake your arse. hahaha. =x

O0O0! and my frens and i managed to catch a glimpse of the FI race live!

we went up to the highest floor of bras basah complex and we saw it!

within 5 mins we got sick and deciede to head home.

hahaha..

i'm officially one week away from my osaka trip and super EGGGGCITED!

COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS MANN! =D

morning class tmr! gtg.

tata!

the garden in my heart.messed.
11:51 PM

|Thursday, September 25, 2008

hi blogg!
ok..
i know i havent been posting for a longggggg time.
well,
busy busy
BUSY
BUSY!

tmr's the city harvest performance. AWESOMELY EXCITEDDD!
i'll put up pictures soon yea.
i tell you, the place is HUGGGGE.

tata. =)

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:52 AM

|Wednesday, September 17, 2008

i dont really have much to say today.

hhmmm..

just listen to this nice music?

then click the cross button above. =)

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:40 AM

|Monday, September 15, 2008

OUR CLOUD-TANNING SESSION.

cos there was NO sun! -.-

i've got so many things in mind that i wanna do...

-pack my table

-tidy my wardrobe

-beautify my room

-polish up my dance steps

-paint my nails!

-give my feet a gooood scrub

-give my hair some goooood conditioning

-re-establish my felxibility

-organise my life

-watch movies

-shop. which i obviously cant now with the financial state i'm in =(

BUT... my freaking cramps are killing me.
and all i wanna do now i slp.
or something tt can get rid of the pain..
pink pills!! i need you... =(

i got alot of things i wanna say to you blog..

but i just cant.

cos i fear i'll be miss understood again.

you know ppl always thing they really know wat is happening but actually they dont know wat they dont know? you know it rite blog? cos you've seen it happen so many times in your pages..

i've given up.
so i'll just leave things here and go to slp.

good nite.

btw this songs for you JOEY!

loves. and many hug hugs.

the song is still worth listening too with its beautiful lyrics rite? =)

smile dearie.

the garden in my heart.messed.
1:07 AM

|Saturday, September 13, 2008

i think i'm PMS-ing today..

so much fustration accumulated in the morning.

i couldnt catch choreo.. =(

does standing right at the back of class fit the be appropriate excuse?

or maybe i'm just not good..=/

many people came late today..

round of applause to you guys.

all have something to improve on. =)

sometimes you know when you say someone expects too much?

we always thinkg that the person expects too much for himself/herself, but in actualy fact i guess that personality carries on to how they see their peers as well.

like they'll tend to expect alot from others too?

you know when you tell yourself. 'OK. i musnt be late'

then when you do reach on time, and others are late,

you question them. ' if i can be on time why you cannot?'

haha. yea. thats an example of expecting from ppl..

it happens very often on me i guess.

i always think...

if i can try my best to do this. to do that, why you all cannot?

then to some point you feel.. am i being selfish for asking so much from them.

but then again.. you ask are they being selfish for not trying their besT?

hahahaha.

CONFUSING!!!!

but every since suntec i've begin to realise that maybe we shouldnt expect from ppl.

what for get to uptight and angry when ppl cant discipline themselves. ritE?

afterall, you know in your heart you are doing your best is good already. =)

anywae,

its kinda cool now gin comes on time now.

=))

side track---

i hate it when ppl like to take advantage of others?

its a SUPER TURN OFF!!

go do some self reflection yo..

if you've done it before.

pick yourself up from that miserable state and be a better citizen.

HAHHA.

ok.. back to today..

yea.. after dance we tried to settle the money stuff.

everyone's broke.

yea... i'm already broke. hahah..

the broke pain is killing me.. ouch ouch ouch.

thanx joycelyn CHEW! saved my live today..

you know why. heh. heh.=D

i cant imagine myself collecting money around like some crazy mathematician.

i'll die from the counting before i can even collect. =x

the THREADLESS TSHIRTS i've ordered have arrived!!!

HOOOOOOORAYYYYYY! =D

some really nice designs i have in hand
..

t shirt title: why did the chicken cross the road

t shirt title: BIRDS of a feather

t shirt title: E.T. phone home...

the garden in my heart.messed.
1:16 AM

|Thursday, September 11, 2008

I'm back.
today, another day spent at home.
i realised i really could have the potential to be a potatoe couch.
somehow. i just could not motivate myself to get up for 3hrs on the couch!
I'M SHOCKED.

anywaes, i finally did it and i had a splitting headache.
haha... i tell you i was so gonna sit down again. (hahahaha)

i watched NIM'S island today..
kinda cool..
i do wish i could live on an island too. with sealions as your frens, and sea gulls as your satellite.=)
but of cos NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT alone.. heh....
its fun swinging from tree to tree you know?
like tarzan!!! =D

TMR ITS SUNTANNING TIME!!
awesome stuff. i needa get my white ass tanned.
too much time spent in the dance studio and not in the sun
results in pale white looking ugly skin.

talking bout skin, i went for facial today..
my face is really like shit. non stop break outs.
all thanx to the thick make up. -.-
well. the women almost killed me.
thank god i have a strong will power.
ppl say: ai mei bu yao ming. hahaha..

results are a pain in the ass.
and somehow my frens just wont understand.
cos diff ppl see diff things with their own level of importance.. rite?
well.. its only human...

i've been complacent. and this lesson really hurts.
it made me wonder if suntec was worth it.
maybe when the dancers see this they wanna slap my face and shout ' OF COS ITS WORTH IT!' but like wat i said. diff ppl got diff priorities.
i'm so envious of my grp mates.. i wished i had been like them. more focused.
i also feel that i've let down my parents.
and by right i'm suppose to quit dance now.
well, i haven got the guts to tell them.

thanx NELSON!. sry for making you worry. =/

i'm slping early tonight. 11.30..
the last time i slept at this time was like sec3?
hahahaa...

the garden in my heart.messed.
8:04 AM

|Wednesday, September 10, 2008

fuck.
i had it in my hands.
now its gone..

disappointment.

the garden in my heart.messed.
10:18 AM

BLOGGING=)
i'm feeling so relaxed now..
LIKE FINALLY the hols have started.=)
but it wont be long..
cos training for the juniors will start soon?
i'll be choreographing. with beloved samansarii. heh.

i'm excited.
it has always been something i wanted to do..
and i've always envied the seniors who've had this chance of choreo-ing.
and like wat i swore previously, i will keep to it.
I wont do last minute choreo for my team
and i will give them ample time to absorb and familiarize with steps & music.
i will also do my best together with sam.

Past few days have been catching up with my friends as well as family.
some of the issues have really got me thinking..

i agree with joey's post.
if a friend gives you an advice but you chose not to take it,
then why even ASK IN THE FISRT PLACE?!?
you're asking for attention or intentions?
it really hurts me wen someone hurts my fren.
YES. you might think the whole world is against you.
and thus you try to turn the whole world back against that person..
if you are feeling lost and you dont know why you're doing these things, here's the ans:

COS... you wanna make ppl stand on your side, cos you feel you've been victimized. and cos you're filled with negative thoughts.
well.. its not wrong or unusaul to feel all this.
i had times like that too...
it just depends on how you wanna deal with it?
yea..
so stop being a bitch k?
pls?

i'm really feelin fortunate.
i know i have real frens...
not those who listen to my ranting and then says 'aiyo so poor thing..' and walks away...
my friends wont walk away from me wen i tell them a problem.
myfriends know i'm sincere and are willing to go the extra mile for me.
my friends dont need me to PLEASE them in order to give back love.

okok. change to another person.
this person damn lazy. and will only get his ass to do some work when he needs to show a superior how 'GOOD' he is. AKA. PORH-fessional
fcuk yourself la..
haha.. i pity you.. no real substance. full oF BULLSHIT.
rite SERENE? heh heh...

some PICTURESSSSSSSS

today i played badminton with my ex classmates in sch!

haha... so FUNNEH!.

i shall not elaborate la uh...

then i went for lucnh with mum and dad and after that tuition.

today wasnt pay day=( i tot it was... counted wrongly..

well its next week!

Serene loves and i went to bugis cos she needed to get some stuff.

i saw this 2 dresses. both pretty nice.

i like one of them but its ex and the cutting not really to my favour.

but its niceeee =(

how? should i buy?

i've finally also done my financing stuff after avoiding it for like 3months?

and yes. like expected. i over spent. ALOT.

mum gave my 50 bucks today.. =(

i don like. i don like to take extra pocket money from my parents. =(

it just made me sad tts all...

well! i'm gonna go slp!

gonna wake up early tmr! =D

the garden in my heart.messed.
8:19 AM

|Sunday, September 07, 2008

its been a while... whoooooooowuuuuuWooo Oooohhhh~~~~

HAHAHA.

ok. i'm a lil kookoo since i came back from suntec dance 2008.

I have soooo many many things i wanna write.

where should i start?

TODAY.(then we'll go back wards k?)

today.. i isolated myself from my friends and clung on to my parents like a baby chimp.

i also baked some AWESOME delicious cake which is already 3/4 gone. =))

and mum got me a fish tank i dunno for what.

i've also decided to throw mp3 aside and listen to the radio.

its been a long long time i listened to the radio... hmmm since... sec4?!!?

POPO cooked her speciality hainanese mutton soup for family today. YUM.

i miss home cooked food =(

and the only reason i decided to stay home all day was because i felt remorseful.

its like ever sicne suntec dance, i've been 'using' them.

my maid cooks breakfast for me.

mum fetches me home whenever she cans even if its out of her way.

dad and i have lost contact. =(

aunty and i have not been seeing each other. =(

the dog waits up for me every night till i'm home. and he cries extremely loud wen he smells me from the other side of door. ( yes. i think i stank tt badly)

my entire body is in a gone case situation. and for the past 1 and half month, i've not really had a proper meal. my girls would know. cos they're always seeing me suck up my teh peng in one breath. and swallowing my food in half counts. ( haha. ok a lil exagerated! =P)

muscle aches on a daily basis. AND

my biological clock has gone berserk.

but if you'd ask me if it was worth it, i'd tell you,

YES. its worth all of it.

not many would had the chance to learn so so so so much in just 2 months.

i feel like a better person now. i do. =)

Yesterday was THE DAY.

ReVogue

well words itself cannot express how grateful i am for this entire journey.

2 months have been really hectic.

and i really pleased we've made it to the finals.

here's an individual dedication to my extremely voguely girls,

to STEPH

.deaire, you've been a ball of laughter that snowballs.

you've got so much energy ( AT NIGHT) and i really take my hat of for you being so strong.In this competition you've gone through some really though times and we've seen you brave through them with all that you got. i wanna be strong like you!! i wan! and girl, we'll do HEADSPINS together soon kay! =D

to SAM.

Well, obviously the 2 of us had the most amount of friction. but all the friction has also made things smooth between 2 of us. i've yet to have so many things to learn from you maybe some you wanna learn from me too..*hint hint. hahahaha. oh, Yes. i havent admitted to you that wat you said bout me needing recognition is true. i realised it through you. thanx. =) Take live easier. tt i will also bare in mind from now onward. THIS WOMEN IS AWESOME STUFF. wait till you see us do our SEXY ACES DAY DANCE TOGETHER. hahahahaahahahahahahha.

to JOYCE baby.

thank you many many many many. no one could have been more understanding and tolerant than you! and i know many times in this competition i could have hurt you unintentionally and i'm really sorry for that. forgive me? this lady here only knows how to care for others. And therefore with her around, you just feel safe. =) thanx loves.

to BEAU BEAU. aka beautrice

Its good to know you so much more through this competition, and i'm looking forward to knowing more behind tt sian 0.5 face. HAHAH! =X wells, i know you've been through hard times in this compeition. juggling SIP with dance. constantly having to ctach up with the rest. its so much more tiring. and seeing you commit sometimes just makes me wanna learn from you. =) thanks for hanging in there for us. and. =)

to MIAOW MIAOW aka kathrene.

OF COS she's really noisy and she can be equally irritating. but hey. SHE'S DAMN FUNNY. some times i think back on the things she do and i say, i unknowingly smile. and now that she's been blessed with GIN's saliva, everythings seems funnier. HAHAHA. HAHAHAHHAHAHAA... well, i just wanna thank you for always being on time and encouraging me to be on time as well.

to IRIS TAN.

well she's our leader. and i feel bad for her sometimes wen she needs to irritate gin for us. THANX. =) it must have been really hard on you. you're like a lil girl to us. and most of the time we spend time worrying for you. Hopefully after this competition you would have grown k? always remember that people are people. and one day, they may no longer care. then wat'll happen to you? rite? its always good to be independent.=) huggs. thanx.

last but not least. JOEY.

joey is as tall as me.... to my shoulder. HAHAHA. and its also becos of the hair. =x heh heh heh...well, its been really nice to be dancing with you. joey seems to be the one who can keep her cool in almost any type and every type of situation. i also wanna apologise if i've ever hurt you in this competition. sry.. my bet. i've got so much more i wanna learn from you. guide me along k? thanks thanks in advance!!! HAHAH

OK.. I KNOW I KNOW.. its gettin really long and draggy, like star awards.

i just have 2 more thanx to say..

wait. make it 4. =P

1 goes to SERENE. for being there wen i down and i have no one else who will listen or understand me. when i hugged you yesterday i just felt like pouring out all my tears and pain and tiredness and anguish i've gone through. thanx for tolerating my complains..

2 goes to URBAN STANCE & INDEPENDENT CREW. thanx for the continuous encouragement.thanx for helping us get materials for costume on such short minute notice and they did ask for anything in return at all. plus they got the best that they could. also thanx for being there with us. the liang teh! and eveyrthing.

3 goes to BEI BY. its really nice to hear some advice from the OLD AND WISE. hahaha.. NO LUH. kidding. you're like the most vibrant BABY. haha..

4. thanx to GIN.. for taking time off and for making our formations and choreography so PRETTY (and difficult -.-) plus guiding us as much as you could. we all understand that you're a busy women. thanks yo.

WAIT...... last one last one...

i'm was super touched. during pre set on stage, i could see form the corner of my eyes, all my tpde babies running in the rain back to right in front of stage to scream and shout for us. IN THE RAIN!. my heart literally melted. thanx also to other supporters who took time to come down. the rain was horrible. but it also showed hos muhc more yall cared. =)

i shall stop here for today, but i'll update on more things i havent been able to.

btw. good news ppl.

i think I FOUND BACK MY SENSE OF EMPATHY

and i'm glad its back. thanks for those who helped find it for me.

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:31 AM

|Tuesday, September 02, 2008

TODAY was awesomely productive=)
just really proud of us, and i think gin will be as well.
we found this neon tube.
damn it really hurts your eye.
hahah=)

i'm feeling positive now.
laugh it off.
yes.
LAUGH.

i wanna do my elbow freeze.
though i know i'm not doing fine, but i'll really just keep trying.
the skin at my elbow has already been bruised and is tearing
it hurt wen i bathed.
haha.
i dont mind if i can do a freeze soon!
thiink of the fruits of labour mann...
thanx nel for teahcing me patiently.
he's a awesome guy with too much love to give.

its a funny feeling.
is it coming back again?
well i dont have to courage to pursue it yet.. i've nv had the courage.
how bout you pursue it.
haha.
ya RITE.
see how it goes...
i suck at those stuff...

the garden in my heart.messed.
10:36 AM

|Monday, September 01, 2008

Today is another day where i've learnt many things.

though i guess i'm still learning how to cope with so many in one day,

i guess i'm one step to becoming a better person.

i wanna be more laidback from now on.

i know some ppl dont like to work with me cos i'm kinda a perfectionist..

and i expect alot for myself.

and even sometimes when i achieve a goal, i question myself.

pity eh?

well, sam sparked a tot in me:

i guess i only got all this intensity eversince i started taking up leadership positions.

since sec3 onwards it started building.

pinciples..

morals..

RESPECT RESPECT RESPECT.

DISCIPLINE.

all these made me so tensed up.

well, yes. you need to it live your life, but maybe you dont need it to govern your life.

thanx samansarii.

that women has so much energy stored in her boobs and butt. HAHA.=x

Today i also learnt new choreo!

and its really really nice=)

must give the credits to my babies who did it=)

music's done as well.

2 weeks is really much better for preperation to the next competition.

not so STRESSFUL!!!!

Tmr is once more, costume shopping day..

going this fashion with miaow miaow. =)

i wanna shop for my other clothes too!

but then, i just remembered i gotta save fro OSAKA.

arrghhh! its killing me.

PLus yesterday i just ordered 2 threadless t shirts for myself.

and the day before, i ordered cosmetics worth 11 bucks!!!

HEY. but there are like 7 items inside k! worth it!!!

so excited for them to come! =)

TODAY STARTED OF BAD BUT ENDED OFF GOOD.

You learn something new everyday,

and today i leanrt more than something.=D

the garden in my heart.messed.
9:21 AM